back to health

I was so happy to start this again.  I have been struggling with other health issues lately and thought this was going to have to be sacrificed.  Talking with her again reminded me of the joy I had in doing it before. I surprised myself with my accomplishments.  I am looking forward to feeling stronger and feeling better emotionally. I know this physical piece of me directly relates to the emotional part of me.  Health is important to me as I watch my aging parents and the effects time has on a body- especially my mother and her weaker bones. I have had to adjust my old cardio- I can no longer run hard on a treadmill.  My neck cannot take that stress and I trip a lot. I have learned I can do stair steppers and elliptical machines with a decent heart rate. I want to try the bicycle and row machines, also.

I am not as good about my food intake/log as I had hoped to be.  I used to be very strict with myself on nutrition. I remember now it took me a while before to get to that level and I expected to just jump back into it.  I am trying to hold the bar high for myself without driving myself crazy about it. My mindset is different now and my motivation is different- it doesn’t come from such an angry place.  This nicer version of me lets me cheat more. :/

Italy preamble

When my first born, my only son, joined the Air Force I had very mixed feelings.  I knew he was not interested in traditional college and he wouldn't be successful in that environment.  His high school career was less than stellar, to say the least.  I journeyed from expecting him to go because that is what my family did and had almost always done.  Education is a value that was passed from generation to generation on both sides of my family, and I lived it wholeheartedly as an educator.  However, the struggle from freshman year to senior year grew more and more difficult for him.  He was smart and stayed out of trouble.  He was social and loved to be active doing things.  He loved tinkering in the garage, building bike ramps, taking apart lawnmowers, cars, motorcycles, and studying about airplanes.  He hated group sports because he did not want to follow a schedule- he was a free spirit for sure.  Having finally flat out told him he was not leaving my house without a high school diploma, I gave up dragging him around to different colleges.  I was working harder than he was and could not keep that up for him through his college career.

He wanted to live fully and had his own ideas.  He started talks with a recruiter.  His test taking skills were a serious obstacle for him.  He had accommodations in high school to help him with tests but the military offered no such thing.  You did it their way or you did not.  It took a couple times and he worked hard but he passed the ASVAB even a high enough score to be considered for the Air Force.  I went with him as he signed his contract.  He graduated and we waited.  Air Force boot camps are fewer than other branches so it takes a little longer.  He delivered pizzas and waited.  He watched his friends leave for college and he waited.  And delivered more pizzas.  And got frustrated and waited.

Valentine's day weekend he told me to sit down.  He had a huge grin with slight terror in his eyes.  A recent recruit who was scheduled to leave for boot camp got a DUI.  He lost his spot.  Zach could have it if he wanted it.  He would leave in two days.  As a military wife, I knew the routine of the military: hurry up and wait.  We went into hurry up mode.

He was ready and he left.  Just like that.

It is a very strange feeling to watch a part of your heart walk away from you.